4/26

One of the first things I’ve done since I started chemotherapy is looking for houses and applying for steady jobs. Not that I can afford to buy a house right now. And I’m sure that moving while you in treatment is something they frown upon. Also, not exactly sure when and where in a job interview to bring up cancer.

“What do you expect to bring to our team?”

“A positive attitude and angry phone calls from you insurance company.”

End of Play.

It’s like what happened when I first stopped

drinking. I wanted to fix every aspect of my life, no matter how big or small, right then and there. I was like “Ok, I am going to start running, learn to build websites, call my family every day, pick up Spanish, go to church every Sunday. I’m going to be the best version of me ever!” Maybe that tells you a little bit about how wasted I was getting if eliminating that one activity would free up enough time to accomplish all of those goals, but rest assured I still can’t build websites or speak Spanish.

I guess it’s just that when the idea of permanence is taken away we begin to seek it any place we can. Even in ranch style houses in Snellville, GA.

The thing is, all our futures are uncertain. My uncertainty just happens to be a little more obvious at the moment. My impulse is to want these next six months to fly by and then get back to my “normal life” but six months is a lot of time. No matter how much time you have left.

So therefore I am making every effort to live in the moment. To meditate, to take walks, to enjoy each day as they come. Even days I have treatments or don’t feel well…those days are full of positive things. For example, when you have treatment you get to sit in a comfy recliner and people bring you snacks. On days I don’t feel well my girlfriend doesn’t get annoyed when I want to watch baseball. I can nap whenever the fuck I want.

And if I’m positive and stay in the moment during the day, I’ll let myself zillow at night. And dream of…i guess..of Snellville…