1 Mile Per Hour

The Breakup. Part 1

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Don't worry. I'm kidding. But wouldn’t that be hilarious? I write a five day ode to our engagement, and as soon as it’s over Jaimie dumps me. Don’t worry- we’re very much together. We’re thinking about eloping to Las Vegas in December. We said it as a joke at first, but the more we joked the better it sounded. So as of right now we’ll be ringing in the New Year playing slots and getting married. A physical embodiment of the daily gamble that is this life we lead.

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I don’t envy my friends who are dealing with the hurricane this week. I don’t feel sorry for them either. Planning for a hurricane is a sign you live in a pretty cool place. No one’s boarding up their windows in Toledo. Well, they might be, but it’s for much different reasons.

I love how helpful people who live inland become during hurricane season. It’s our time to shine. “We left paradise-come see what we settled for!” Everyone not at the beach is offering their homes. It’s like Air BnB for places no one wants to visit. People are like, “We have plenty of room in Kentucky!” My beach friends are like, “I think I’ll take my chances.”

It’s basically the only time people on the beach make trips inland. And we have to make our towns seem just as cool as the beach. We get our houses all clean. We make dinner reservations. “I bet you don’t have Texas Roadhouses in Florida!” Yea. We do.

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But Hurricane Dorian is providing a unique challenge. This son of a bitch is

moving 1 mile per hour. 1! What sort of psychopathic storm is that? Since when did hurricanes get into psychological torture? Is that some weird new aspect of Global Warming? Storms become stronger and more maniacal? They develop the personality of a sociopathic four year old? If hurricanes continue to take their time and emotionally fuck with the places they’re hitting, we’re going to have to start giving them cat names. “Oh no, here comes Hurricane Fluffy. Much like Hurricane Whiskers she likes to keep her victims alive as long as possible to exact highest amount of existential dread.”

I’m only saying that if you’re going to come and ravage the Atlantic Coast, at least have the decency to do it in a timely fashion. We’ve got to get our coastal friends back to their houses, so we can get the Texas Roadhouses back for the rest of us.